I knew this day was coming. I have felt it creeping into my everyday thoughts for weeks. I tried to push it back to a place where I could be comfortable again, but it marches on like time its self. There is no stopping this day, just being in it and hanging on to the self pity long enough to get over it for another year. In an act of defiance, I didn't take any meds for 24 hours. I over indulged with my food choices and let the devil himself sit next to me for most of the day. I was grouchy, critical and self centered. To prove to myself that I would not let these shenanigans continue, I prepped my meds for the next week and took a picture to remind me not to go down this road again. There were no complications from my choices, no immediate ones at least. Everything is back on track and I am facing the inevitable trip around the mountain once again.
This post is for me. To say it out loud sorta speak. No empathy or pity or sympathy or atta boys required. Tomorrow starts a new day and with that a new routine I hope. It is my desire to dive into the scriptures in order to right my path.
When darkness falls and I am all alone with myself, I make horrible choices. My mind races and then the wicked one snuggles up next to me and we indulge together. When my head finally hits the pillow, it is then that I ask for forgiveness, assistance and guidance for the new day.
Every night, every night. Why can't I hear Him?
Pam - I know what you speak of. Thank you being so honest with all of us who read you blog. Love and friendship.
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